I am tired of this

December 1, 2011 § 5 Comments

Things I am tired of:

ONE  The Kardashians, Kim in particular. Was her wedding a scam? Considering that she and her “husband” allegedly made $20 million off their televised wedding and were subsequently married for only 72 days doesn’t exactly scream “True love!,” but really, I could not care less. If the tabloids didn’t feel the need to publish a cover story on every inane thought that comes out of her plastic mouth, there would be no reason for her to even consider a scam wedding and we as a society would have been saved all this grief!!

Mostly, I’m just angry that gossip about Kim Kardashian takes up any space in my brain (I learned writing this post that I don’t know how to spell Geico, but I do know how to spell Kardashian – ugh). That’s important real estate that could be devoted to cultural historical knowledge, or lines from Friends.

When Daniel Boorstin wrote The Image in 1962, he coined the term “famous for being famous.” A celebrity, in Boorstin’s mind, was assumed great because he was famous, whereas a hero was famous because he was great. Guess which one our media theorist thought was better? If he were raised from the dead, Boorstin would only need to see the magazine-banked checkout line at Safeway to scramble back into his hole in the ground.

Was the wedding a scam? Kim Kardashian, words cannot express the immensity of the fuck I do not give.

Also, James Bond hates you.

If Daniel Craig called me a "fucking idiot," I'd probably cry to.

TWO  Jimmy Fallon. He apologized for the whole Michele Bachmann, “Lying Ass Bitch” brouhaha, showing that not only is he  an annoying douchebag, but he isn’t even willing to stand by his douchebaggery. Bah. Give me some Craig Ferguson any time.

I can't even handle a picture of Jimmy Fallon, so here's some Scottish for ya. Funnily enough, this is the face I make while watching Craig Ferguson's show.

THREE  The Republican presidential race. It was funny for a while but now it’s just sad.

This whole race has become a carnival. When do we put them in the dunk tank? It can be part of a debate on waterboarding if we need to make it seem relevant.

FOUR  Geico commercials. Can switching to Geico really save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance?

I couldn’t give a rat’s ass because I’m overcome with a violent urge to stab that pig in the neck and then eat a pile of bacon.

I’m willing to admit that advertisements do alter my willingness to patronize a company; if I did switch to Geico, I’d feel like I was rewarding their long assault on my ears/eyes/brain.

Alternately, Allstate (also not my insurance provider) lulls me with the dulcet tones of President David Palmer (the best fictional president since Josiah Bartlet and Laura Roslin), and/or amuses me with the everyday problems Mayhem causes drivers.

Very close to the Geico ad, only hilarious, and it doesn’t make me want to punch babies. Or pigs.

People magazine actually named Allstate’s Mayhem actor as one of its Sexiest Men. I do find him strangely alluring…I can’t tell if he’s attractive or if I’m just excited that his ads are actually clever.

FIVE  The Salvation Army volunteer ringing the bell outside the university apparel shop at the Corner.

It’s nice that you want to help a charity, but you don’t need to swing that thing like you’re bashing a gnome over the head. It sounds like someone is being murdered in a bell factory.

SIX  Men yelling at women from cars. Really? Really?

SEVEN  Humidity. In California, where I’m from, we don’t have humidity. Here in Virginia, it was humid on Monday, the 28th of November, and like 65 degrees. I barely survived summer/early fall. I can’t take a shower every six minutes; sometimes I have things to do outside my house.

EIGHT  People assuming, insinuating, or flat-out stating that a humanities degree is useless. “Oh, you were an English major? So what are you going to do with that, teach? High school or elementary?” I’m glad you asked. As an English major, I got to study novels and poems and to examine the human condition in depth. Now that I’ve graduated, I’m going to use the resulting knowledge of how not to be a condescending, presumptive ass hat.

NINE  Mini skirts and Uggs. That’s still a thing? No.

I'm cold but only right here!!

More bitching to come!

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§ 5 Responses to I am tired of this

  • Matt says:

    It’s cute that you think those bell ringers are volunteers. Most are paid. While recently, the Salvation Army has tried to increase the number of volunteer bell ringers – because volunteers collect about 4X as much money as paid ones – the majority remain paid. Historically recruited from homeless shelters, so it’s a positive all the way round.

    As for the rumor that they get paid commissions, not true, according to Snopes.com.

  • allenavw says:

    “That’s important real estate that could be devoted to cultural historical knowledge, or lines from Friends.”

    I agree with all these things! And I can’t watch Craig Ferguson without crying from laughter.

    And also, I know entirely way too many lines from Friends. I’m one of those people that recites half the frickin’ episode. So, I try to watch Friends by myself so as not to make people want to slap me lol.

  • societyred says:

    Couldn’t help but check you out what with all the award hooplaw. Glad I did! Great stuff!

  • MichaelEdits says:

    People who sit in the parking lot waiting for that space right there to become open, backing up everybody else who would like to be moving around looking for a place to park instead of waiting waiting waiting.

    People who stand on the escalator, in the middle and not off to the side, so nobody can walk past.

    • thesnarkist says:

      Walking is on the left, standing is on the right! It’s not that hard! It’s like the fast and slow lanes on the freeway! Wait, I bet you don’t know how to drive either…

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