December 3, 2011 § 4 Comments
You know what they say: Success is the best revenge. And since all my peers were bitches to me growing up, I’m looking for success up the yin-yang. Thanks for helping me attain my goals, allenavw and Russ and Sam from Reasonably Ludicrous!
What I am talking about? This week I was honored with two different blog awards. There are blog awards? That’s a thing? I’m new to this whole blogging thing, so I’m learning by doing (like with alligator wrestling. No?)
Apparently the applicable blog etiquette is of the pay-it-forward variety. In the words of Miss Manners, “Whilst wearing ivory silk gloves — white is permissible in summer, black only at night — sitting with your back at a ninety degree angle from your upper leg area, craft the cyber equivalent of a delicate white lace and mint-colored cardstock thank you card. Then, presuming you have not soiled your gloves, necessitating the procurement of a replacement pair, create awards for other bloggers of elevated status.” She’s really adapted to the internet age well.
So thank you, Russ and Sam. Reasonably Ludicrous is a top-notch blog with hilarious stories from Russ and nifty drawings from Sam that sometimes include dinosaurs! Russ and I went to college together, and I can verify that he’s also pretty hilarious in person. There’s been some insinuation that my sexy personage may have had a slight influence on this award choice, so I’ll accept this award the way I accept all drinks/gifts/attention from male-type people: by smiling and then running away like mad. I have a lot of romantic success.
This one time I was biking and saw this guy I was interested in, at which point I biked straight into a bush. True story.
As for Allena (is your name actually Allena?) from allenavw, you’ve expressed your love of Bones and confided the fact that you have the majority of Friends episodes memorized (an accomplishment we share), so I pretty much think you’re the bees’ knees so far. You noted in your award that you just recently just got into my blog — well so did I! My baby blog is less than a month old. I’m getting really excited for when it learns to sit up by itself.
Russ and Sam’s 7×7 award contains an homage to In-n-Out Burger (a 7×7 is not the same as a 7 and 7, which is not my favorite drink) which desperately makes me miss California. . And yes, East Coasters, I’ve had Five Guys. It’s not as good. The fries are sub-par and where are the milkshakes?! Also, Five Guys is only open until like 9 pm – wtf?
I’m supposed to answer the following seven questions, which mostly seems like forcing you all to participate in one of those god-awful email chain letters from 2002, so I’ll be quick and painless. Like a firing squad.
1. Most beautiful post – My latest post has a lot of pictures of puppies. Also, attractive men. But mostly puppies.
2. Most popular post – Probably New Study Confirms Leggings Are Not Pants . Everyone loves fake science! Just ask Rick Santorum – he’s a Creationist!
3. Most controversial post – I actually seem to be pissing off way fewer people than I expected, so tomorrow look forward to a post entitled “Gay, Black, Figure Skater Jesus.”
5. Most surprisingly successful post – To come!
6. Most underrated post – I accidentally typed, “underratted.” Few to none of my posts have rats in them, which is good, because those little creepers are murderers. Ask 14th-century Europe.
7. Most pride-worthy post – I’m going to write one that solves the conflict in the Middle East using laughter. Actually, they mostly don’t speak English, so probably not.
Bored yet? Push through it!
This award prompts me to tell you 9.89 things about myself.
1. I had red cowboy boots as a little girl. Just like Ted Mosby.
2. I once met Emily Deschanel, and in my extreme joy and desire to shake her hand knocked her Blackberry out of her hand. I make super first impressions. Luckily, she was very nice — once she got over being terrified.
3. I was watching a band play at a club in Dublin with some friends, one of whom really likes to touch people’s hair when she gets tipsy. She kept talking about how she wanted to touch the lead singer’s hair, so when the band finished playing, I jumped up onstage, walked up to him, stuck my mouth against his ear, and said, “You played a great set. My friend really wants to touch your hair.” He somehow did not run away screaming and actually did let her touch his hair. Then he touched her hair. It was magical for everyone. Alcohol may or may not have been involved.
4. I saw the new Twilight movie opening weekend. Alcohol may or may not have been involved. That film had the special effects budget of a Geico commercial. Whilst watching a Geico commercial, never do I think, “Woah! There’s a real gecko talking to that man!” Breaking Dawn had a CGI demon-baby that apparently hadn’t had enough time gestating inside the computer-womb. Also, they appeared to have borrowed the wolves from Balto.
5. I hate cilantro, as I hate hell, all Montagues, and thee. (No, actually I like you).
6. I had a dwarf hamster as a kid. Her name was Sweetie and when I put her in the tiny bathtub in my dollhouse, I swear to Nutella she’d wash herself.
7. She also died on my eighth birthday. During my birthday party.
8. For years, I seriously intended to name my future son Lysander. Sandy for short. So the naming post is partially addressed to ten-year-old me.
9. I named my car. He is a boy car.
9.89. This one time I got kicked out of Disneyland because…
Oops, all out of space!
Now for the pay-it-forward part of this interminable post.
1. GoFugYourself.com – The only place to go for sarcastic appraisals of celebrity fashion rife with cultural references from the ’90s. Pretty much my favorite blog of all time.
2. textsfrombennett.tumblr.com – My best friend sent me this the other day; it’s fraking hilarious. Text conversations with a 17-year-old white boy named Bennett who seems to think he’s an inner city African American living in a rap video from the early 00s.
3. ASofterWorld.com – A sort of arty comic, infused with black humor and more than a pinch of philosophical thought.
That is all! Go forth and make the world a more hilarious place. Like Bennett.
November 24, 2011 § 2 Comments
In conjunction with the release of her memoir, GOP presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann will also be selling, in partnership with Mattel, Inc., a Barbie doll modeled on her person. The “My GOP Nominee Barbie” comes complete with tasteful blazer, pearls, and corndog accessories.
Bachmann’s campaign manager, Keith Nahigian, acknowledged the marketing symmetry, stating, “I thought it was a brilliant idea to put an image of the Barbie doll rather than of Michele herself on the cover of the memoir. Republicans love the free market, and what better way to remind them of Michele’s commitment to America and to capitalism than with a blatant attempt to sell them something – in addition to the book they just bought?”
Feminist bloggers and journalists have criticized the concept that the only female candidate must be reduced to her physicality, also noting that making a Barbie doll in her image highlights the fake-seeming aspects of Bachmann’s actual appearance, such as her airbrushed makeup and apparently plastic hair.
“Bachmann’s presentation of her body has never been progressive,” writes Amy Gobsmack of thiscannotbehappening.com, “but on the cover of her book, the proportions of her body are obviously off. Her waist should not be the same width as her head.”
A similar critique was brought against Ralph Lauren in 2009 for its airbrushed advertising images, one in particular of model Fillippa Hamilton.
Ralph Lauren apologized for distorting the model’s body from it’s normal state.
Nahigian notes that the Michele Bachmann Barbie, however, is a different situation entirely. “Barbies have been distorting societal expectations of female beauty with their unrealistic proportions since they first came out in 1959,” he commented.”We at the Bachmann campaign are simply taking advantage of existing desires within society – a purely capitalist impulse!”
Additionally, Nahigian confided, the Bachmann campaign is hoping to win points with parents, especially mothers.
“We want to get at the children,” he noted, “so that they can convince their parents to vote Michele. Additionally, the Republicans want to get at future voters as early as possible.”
In response to the “My GOP Nominee Barbie,” the Romney campaign is considering debuting a “My Mitt Styling Head” along the lines of Mattel’s existing “Barbie Totally Hair Styling Head.”
The Gingrich campaign briefly considered a Newt Gingrich Mr. Potato Head, but decided one would be superfluous.
November 15, 2011 § 6 Comments
Today I found myself in Target, wandering the children’s toys section out of a sense of curiosity mixed with masochism. Since it was almost 10 pm, the aisles were empty, which made me spectacularly aware of just how many toys have motion sensors nowadays. Apparently it’s a lot. As soon as I watched past the end of an aisle, little stuffed dogs started to bark and whine at me. When I turned down the aisle to check out the source of this noise, I prompted a whole menagerie to welcome/berate me with their various sounds, like a tiny, creepy zoo. As I walked, I set off trucks, musical toys, and dolls; it was like walking down the freezer aisle late at night, watching the lights come on in the wave of my motion, only auditory and startling.
Amongst a variety of odd and disturbing toys, however, (were toys this creepy when I was growing up? I mean, we had trolls and stuff, but Bratz dolls take it to a whole new level…) I was especially bothered by one that may seem tame compared to the dominatrix dolls and army tanks with real war sound effects.
Sock monkeys. I hate sock monkeys. I think they’re terrifying.
I have felt this way since the first time I saw one. Their mouths look like giant gaping gashes across the front of their tiny, drugged-up faces. Their eyes are too far apart, making them look glazed over in a permanent unsettling stare. I know, I know that the eyes are just buttons and that these littles guys are meant to be funny and cuddly and squishy and I WANT TO KILL THEM ALL.
Apparently sock monkeys were originated in the 1890s as an easy way to create a homemade stuffed animal; people filled leftover socks or other fabric (shirt arms, etc.) to make inexpensive toys. Creative and cost-efficient! And ecological!
In 1932, however, the Nelson Knitting company became making their trademark red-heel socks, which became popular for sock monkeys since they provided a ready-made mouth. Still, I’m willing to say that the monkeys’ inherent terrifying nature did not necessarily begin here; it wasn’t until the ’50s that the Nelson Knitting company acquired a patent to the sock monkey pattern and began including one with every pair of socks, prompting the creation of a sock monkey army (!). Still, people were at least making these soulless creatures themselves, hopefully as a nice (if satanic) bonding experience with their kids. Conversely, in 1992, Fox River Mills bought the Nelson Knitting Company and began to produce the shit out of pre-made sock monkey products.
Now sock monkeys no longer had a droopy eye because Sally was bad at sewing buttons, or one arm longer than the other because Timmy forgot to measure before he cut the fabric. Now, all sock monkeys had standardized, uniform, coked-out eyes and conveyor belt, factory-produced mouth wounds. HELL IS EMPTY AND ALL THE DEVILS ARE HERE!!
And Fox River Moloch didn’t stop at tiny stuffed animals that come out of the toy box to stare at you while you’re sleeping. They started slapping demon monkey faces on everything. There are sock monkey backpacks:
If you want to scare the living hell out of me, this is an easy way:
That is an adult-size sock monkey costume, which means that it creates a human size sock monkey. Excuse me while I go barricade myself in my bedroom with a hack-saw. Thank god Halloween is over for this year.
I know some people like sock monkeys. I know some people think they’re cute, and have sock monkey hats and sock monkey pencil cases. I know you think I’m overreacting because sock monkeys are at the best adorable and at the worst harmless, but THAT’S WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK. While you’re giving them googly eyes, they’re sucking your soul out through your eye sockets.
In terms of demonic toys, I’d say that sock monkeys are our greatest threat, second only to Furbies. (I can’t even think about Furbies or I’ll have a nervous breakdown, so we’ll save that for another time.)
Sock monkeys: innocent stuffed toys or agents of Satan? I’ll give you a hint – which one do you think would require human sacrifices?
November 12, 2011 § 1 Comment
I’ve come to love thrift stores. Sometimes, in the midst of size 24 muumuus and club wear from the ’80s, you find a London Fog trench coat, or a cute gray Members Only jacket, or a t-shirt with a skeleton hand on it (all of this has been in my latest few hauls – I like skeletons, all right?). Of course, sometimes you don’t find anything and just end up spending an hour sorting through polyester monstrosities that have already been worn by strangers.
Still, you never know what you’ll find. On a recent trip to the Salvation Army, I came across the following jackpots.
Having problems in your monogamous relationship because you feel the need to sow your wild oats? Invest in a specially designed Wild Oats Storage Device:
Think that $6.20 is outrageously expensive for a 64-pack of brand-name crayons? Get them gently used for only $1.50:
Though I think thrift stores can be a treasure trove, I understand that not everyone likes them. Then again, some people like them for the wrong reasons. “Ooo, a thrift store! Because each item is separate, and thus not catalogued in some computer system, there’s no way to keep track of how much each thing is supposed to cost! I can just switch the price-tags around and presto! This $15 jacket is now $2! Hurrah for me!” Careful there, Stealy McLoose-Morals, Big Brother is watching you:
So, if you’re going to venture into the wilds of thrift shops, be careful not to ruin your life. Similarly, if you’re going to venture into the wilds of heterosexual sex (wild oats container not doing it for you?), be careful not to ruin your life. Use protection, kiddies. Though I suggest you buy your condoms somewhere other than the thrift store – this is not a case where a spin in the washing machine makes “gently used” like new.